Bed of roses
by RangerCraving
Summary: Babe songfic. It's in raw form. I never had any intention of writing a songfic, but this one demanded my attention. It's the lengths I imagine Ranger would go to for Steph though she may never understand. It's about the torture that love sometimes is.


**A/N To the best group of writers I've had the pleasure of knowing, thank you for your encouragement, friendship and inspiration.**

Disclaimer: Not my standard posting. This is for Babes with an open mind only. I wrote this over a year ago. It is in raw form and something that just came to me and demanded to be written. It may offend some, but it is what it is. It took the encouragement from some great writers and friends to get me to post it here. It's a songfic, which I never considered doing but, again, it demanded my attention. There is no H.E.A. ending, so if that's what you're looking for, you might want to turn back now.

Making no money, not my characters, etc. etc. etc.

**Bed of Roses**

Sitting here wasted and wounded …

…_Trying hard to capture the moment  
This morning I don't know._

I stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window as the sun slowly made its way up over the horizon. Pictures of a curly-haired brunette with aquamarine eyes played through my mind like fast forward images from an old picture movie. A man who never drank to excess, forced to pay the price because of a mission, to play a role that didn't fit the man.

_'Cause a bottle of vodka's  
still lodged in my hand  
And some blonde gave me nightmares  
I think that she's still in my bed  
As I dream about movies  
They won't make of me when I'm dead  
_

Keeping in mind my reason for being here, I look over my shoulder at the naked body spread across the mattress that had been thrown on the floor, no frame, no springs; blonde hair spread across the black sheets looking pale and anemic under the first wash of sunlight entering the room. Hands fisted at my sides, my guts twist and churn at what I'd done in the night in the name of duty. Feeling like I've cheated on the only woman who has ever mattered, the blonde's cloying perfume replacing Stephanie's beautiful scent; her harsh, paid-for beauty threatening to block out the perfect glow of Steph's skin. I hear her voice in my head, the last conversation we had before I left.

"_I love you. Why can't you just take a chance and love me back?" I see your beautiful eyes shimmering with tears._

"_I'd love to think it could work, Babe, but the truth is, I can't afford to need anyone. Needing someone, loving them, is just excess baggage, an emotional anchor I can't afford." How could I admit to you that all I really need is you, when I wouldn't even admit it to myself?_

_With an ironclad fist I wake up and  
French kiss the morning  
While some marching band keeps  
Its own beat in my head  
While we're talking  
About all of the things that I long to believe  
About love and the truth and  
What you mean to me  
And the truth is, baby, you're all that I need_

I see you in my mind as I cross to you and lift you in my arms. I see your smile, soft and sweet as your arms circle my neck. I place you on my silk sheets that are no match for the silkiness of your skin. In my mind flashes the regret that I'm the type of man used to sleeping on dirt floors and in the jungle, the kind who doesn't think of covering those silk sheets with rose petals for you until it's too late. And I again remember why I don't deserve you.

_I want to lay you down in a bed of roses  
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails  
Oh, I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is  
And lay you down on a bed of roses  
_

Cursing myself as a fool, I open the cell phone lying in front of me on the counter, taunting me.

_Well I'm so far away  
That each step that I take's on my way home  
A king's ransom in dimes I'd give each night_  
_Just to see through this payphone  
Still I run out of time  
Or it's hard to get through_

"_**The number you are calling is not in your service area. This number is not within your service area. Please hang up and try your call again."**_

The cell phone leaves my hand like a professional pitcher throwing a fastball, smashing into a million pieces like teardrops as it hits the wall.

_Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you_

_I'll just close my eyes and whisper,  
Baby blind love is true_

_  
_I think of all the times you've opened your heart and your arms to me, all the times you've welcomed me back to you with no question of where I'd been or what I'd done while I was gone, and I know that God would never reward my sins with a gift as lovely as you. Still I picture the candles flickering and the sweet perfume of roses in the air as I cover your lovely body with mine.

_  
I want to lay you down in a bed of roses  
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails  
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is  
And lay you down on a bed of roses…  
_  
I hear rustling from the other room. Please forgive me, Babe.

…_Now as you close your eyes  
Know I'll be thinking about you  
While my mistress she calls me  
To stand in her spotlight again_

I try not to flinch at the long sickly white arms come around me from behind. "Baby, come back to bed. I want you." I use all of my training and experience to block out my thoughts of you, pushing aside the vicious tear through my heart and gut at what I'm about to do.

_  
Tonight I won't be alone  
But you know that don't mean I'm not lonely. _

_I've got nothing to prove  
For it's you that I'd die to defend_

Reminding myself why I'm here, that this is the only way to get the information I need to find him, kill him and keep you safe, I make myself shut down. As I lower her to the bed, I close my eyes and count the hours 'til I'm back with you.

I want to lay you down in a bed of roses  
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails  
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is  
And lay you down on a bed of roses


End file.
